How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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