i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
