I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
please come you make the beer taste better
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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