I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
