Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize