I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize