So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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