I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
