He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
