he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
