It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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