Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
