I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
