All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
