Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You ruined the universe
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
