I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
