I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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