Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
