I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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