I want to make a zoo with you.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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