well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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