Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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