i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
