It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
