My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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