I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
