smell my finger.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
