Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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