Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
