sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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