Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
