i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
