i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
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