Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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