i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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