The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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