seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I had to cum in my sink.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
