I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
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I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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