did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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