Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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