how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
