I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
