he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
