can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
