I am in a vortex of obligation.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
