what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
