can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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