Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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