im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
