Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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