I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
