guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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