I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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