Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
