my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
