I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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