why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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