Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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